Parenting is a complex aspect of human development that shapes how children see the world and interact with it. In a way, parenting is an art, and just like with art, there are different methods and strategies for it. Among the various frameworks for understanding parenting approaches, Diana Baumrind’s parenting styles stand out as a significant contribution. Her research in the 1960s identified three primary styles—authoritative, authoritarian, and permissive. Each of these styles differ on two key dimensions: warmth and control. Understanding these different parenting styles can offer valuable insights into parent-child relationships and provide guidance for parenting practices. While parenting style is an individual choice, if we zoom in on one specific parenting style, authoritative parenting is a highly effective parenting approach. Authoritative parenting, a combination of high warmth and high control, strikes a balance between love and limits, fostering a nurturing environment where children can thrive. Let’s delve into what makes this style so impactful and why many experts consider it the “gold standard” of parenting, and how authoritative parenting is distinct from authoritarian parenting.
What is Authoritative Parenting?
Authoritative parenting emphasizes high responsiveness and high demands. It is high on warmth and high on control. What does that mean? Parents who use an authoritative parenting style balance boundaries and limits while also being loving, nurturing and sensitive to their child’s needs, validating their emotional experience.
For example, if a child is asking for dessert after dinner, a parent practicing an authoritative style might hold a boundary by saying, “There won’t be cookies tonight.” While also honoring the child’s experience by saying, “I understand you are upset that you can’t have a cookie. I know it feels bad to not get what you want”.
What Does Authoritative Parenting Look Like?
- Clear Expectations and Rules: Authoritative parents set clear expectations and rules for their children. These guidelines help children understand expectations and the consequences for not meeting them.
- Open Communication: Authoritative parenting places emphasis on open and honest communication. Parents actively encourage children to express their thoughts and feelings, and listen attentively.
- Support and Nurturance: While maintaining discipline, authoritative parents are also highly supportive and nurturing. They show love, warmth, and affection, which helps build a secure attachment with their children.
- Encouraging Independence: Authoritative parents encourage their children to be independent and make their own decisions within the set boundaries.
- Consistent Discipline: Discipline in authoritative parenting is consistent and fair. Parents use positive reinforcement and reasonable consequences to teach their children right from wrong, rather than using more harsh punishments.
How Does Authoritative Parenting Handle Discipline?
One key difference in how authoritative parents discipline, compared to other styles, is that they tend to see discipline as a tool for teaching, rather than a way to punish a child for misbehavior. Discipline teaches children how to manage their behaviors, follow limits, and interact with others–all critical skills for success. Parents who use an authoritative style still discipline, they just do so in a warm, non-punitive manner.
What does this kind of discipline look like? It involves implementing more natural consequences, keeping these metrics in mind:
- the consequence matches the behavior
- the consequence’s impact is aligned with the behavior (neither too extreme or too inconsequential)
For example, imagine your son runs outside and rides his skateboard without any protective gear. An authoritarian consequence might be telling your child he can never ride that skateboard again, or that he doesn’t get to use his iPad for the week. The first option is too extreme and the second option is not related to the behavior.
The more authoritative parenting style may implement safety checks as a fair and natural consequence. In the future, your son will need to meet with you prior to outdoor play to ensure he is appropriately prepared. This consequence works because it will teach your son how to be safe on his skateboard. Taking and throwing away the skateboard doesn’t teach your child anything and may make him feel angry or resentful. Taking away his iPad for the week would likely have the same effect.
Discipline is teaching. It is our responsibility as parents to provide scaffolding for our children, providing enough support to help them learn and succeed. Positive, respectful discipline scaffolds children by teaching them what is acceptable and how to behave, while honoring their developmental level and needs.
How Can I Shift to a More Authoritative Parenting Style?
As parents, we tend to gravitate toward whatever style of parenting that feels familiar. Especially when in heated and high-intensity moments. This often tends to be an authoritarian parenting style, which is how many of us were raised. This “old school” style of parenting focuses on behavioral outcomes and uses rules, commands, and sometimes punishment to achieve goals.
On the other hand, permissive parenting is characterized by a high responsiveness but low demand. Permissive parenting creates an environment where children experience a lot of freedom but little structure. While permissive parents are highly involved and supportive, they tend to avoid confrontation and may struggle to enforce consistent rules or discipline.
So, how can parents shift to a more deliberately authoritative style? Self-regulation is key. In heated moments, stay calm and make efforts to not match the affect of your child. This is hard, and it can be helpful to practice coping thoughts. The best approach is for parents to use two different kinds of coping thoughts: coping thoughts about themselves (“I can be both warm and firm” or “I am showing up in a way that is aligned with my parenting values, even though I am frustrated”) and coping thoughts about their child (“my child needs to let those feelings out” or “my child is having a hard time in this moment, and that is okay”). Calm your nervous system by using deep, diaphragmatic breaths while putting your hand on your chest. Model this process to your child by saying something like, “I’m feeling like this is really tough and I’m frustrated, I’m going to take some deep breaths and have a sip of cold water.” In doing so, you can co-regulate with your child and help them calm down as well.
Once you are regulated, you will be able to access the logical part of your brain and parent with intention instead of reacting in a highly emotional way. You can think about your goals: what do you want to teach your child at that moment, and how do you want to teach it? You can also consider why your child is acting in this way. Remember the inherent goodness of all children: no child wants to misbehave or be “bad.” Every fiber of their being is motivated by connection with you. If your child is doing something that is destructive to that connection, there is a good chance that it is a byproduct of something else that is going on for them.
When taking an authoritative parenting approach, you can help your child by reconnecting with them. Be curious about your child’s experience, thoughts and feelings. The goal is not to look at a behavior and judge it as good or bad. Rather, look at a behavior and ask, “What is this telling me?” Maybe your child had a bad day, or is feeling tired, or is hungry.
What Is the Difference Between Authoritative and Authoritarian Parenting?
While the words “authoritative” and “authoritarian” are similar, they describe two distinct parenting styles. The key difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting styles lies in their approach to rules, expectations, and the parent-child relationship. Authoritative parenting balances firm limits with warmth, love and open communication. Parents who are striving for an authoritative style might set clear expectations and enforce consistent rules, while also valuing their child’s opinions and encouraging independence. In contrast, authoritarian parenting is more focused on strict rules and high demands with not as much room for dialogue or flexibility. Authoritarian parents often emphasize punishment over guidance, and prioritize obedience over understanding. Although both styles aim to guide behavior, authoritative parenting roots itself in empathy and support. Whereas authoritarian parenting emphasizes control and discipline.
What Do I Do When I Slip Into a Different Parenting Style?
No matter how much you may strive for an authoritative parenting style, there will be moments where you slide into a more authoritarian space or find yourself being somewhat permissive. So, what happens when we inevitably make a misstep?
First, it is important to acknowledge to yourself that it’s okay to not always be the parent you’re striving to be. No one can be an authoritative parent all the time. What matters is that you’re trying your best to parent your children in a conscious, attuned way.
Second, it’s okay, and valuable, to admit mistakes. Be honest with your child and debrief. You could say something like, “Hey, I overreacted a little,” and then talk in more detail about what happened. Discuss what worked and what didn’t work. Engage in collaborative problem-solving with your child and decide on a strategy that works well for both of you. Then plan to implement it in the future. Model for your child taking responsibility and apologizing. The key is to repair after the fact—we can’t problem-solve when the problem is still happening! It is okay to wait until everyone is more regulated to have these important conversations.
Finally, keep in mind that parenting styles are dynamic, not fixed. Every parent is going to be a mixture of all three parenting styles at different points in time. There are moments when parents are warm and just don’t feel like holding all of the rules in place. Like during a lazy Saturday afternoon spent on the couch. And then there are moments when parents have less time to be patient. They place higher demands on their children with less warmth. Like when the family is running late to leave for school and work in the morning.
So, while you will move around and use different parenting strategies at different times, you can always come back to center. And the center is where you can parent the most effectively.
The authoritative parenting style offers a balanced approach that combines love and limits, providing children with the best environment to grow into well-rounded individuals. By setting clear expectations, maintaining open communication, and offering unwavering support, parents can guide their children effectively. While every child is unique and may require slight adjustments in approach, the principles of authoritative parenting can serve as a valuable foundation for raising confident, capable, and compassionate individuals.
Remember, however, that parenting is what happens in the aggregate, and what matters most is what you do most of the time. The key is to foster an intentional style of parenting. Ask yourself: how do you generally want your parenting experience with your child to feel, for both you and your child? Let the answers guide you in your parenting journey.
At Upshur Bren Psychology Group, our dedicated team of therapists understands the importance of helping parents develop their own unique parenting style, to most effectively parent their own unique children. We’re here to provide compassionate support and guidance tailored to your family’s needs.
Click here to schedule a free consultation call if you’re interested in learning more about how to implement an authoritative parenting style, and how our clinicians can help you with a variety of parenting challenges.
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