Understanding the Difference Between Tantrums and Meltdowns–and How to Handle Both!

Navigating your child’s emotional upheavals can be one of the more challenging aspects of parenting. Two common types of these upheavals are tantrums and meltdowns. The terms “tantrum” and “meltdown” are often used interchangeably, and while they may appear similar, they stem from different causes. This blog post will explore and help with understanding tantrums and meltdowns, offer insights into why they occur, and provide practical strategies for parents to not only best support their children during a tantrum or meltdown, but ultimately help reduce their recurrence overall.

What are Tantrums?

Tantrums are emotional outbursts often characterized by crying, screaming, stamping feet, and other forms of visible frustration. They are most common in younger children who are still learning to regulate their emotions and communicate effectively. Tantrums are developmentally appropriate for toddlers as they struggle with self-soothing and problem-solving. They usually start around age one, and are common until around age six. Tantrums are a natural part of growing for a child. They are a way of learning about their environment, testing limits, and experimenting with control. 

During a tantrum, a child may scream, cry, and throw themselves on the ground, but they are still aware of their surroundings and cognizant of whether their behavior is garnering attention. Kids tantrum because they don’t quite know how to self-regulate within their very structured and limited environment. Tantrums are how children release big feelings that they otherwise wouldn’t know how to manage.

Key Characteristics of Tantrums:

• Goal-Oriented: Tantrums are often a means to an end. The child is usually trying to achieve something specific, like obtaining an object or avoiding an undesired activity.
• Conscious Control: Children may retain some level of control over their behavior during a tantrum. They might stop if they receive the desired outcome or if they realize the tantrum isn’t working.
• Emotion Regulation: Once the child’s need or want is addressed, tantrums can quickly subside, indicating they are more related to the child’s frustration than an inability to cope.

What are Meltdowns?

Meltdown, on the other hand, can be understood as being more physiologically based. A meltdown is a strong emotional outburst triggered by stress, sensory overload, or frustration. It can manifest in different ways, such as crying, screaming, or physical aggression. Unlike tantrums, meltdowns are responses to overwhelming stimuli that the child can’t escape or process.

Key Characteristics of Meltdowns:

• Overwhelming Response: Meltdowns are a response to an overwhelming or distressing situation, such as sensory overload, stress, or a change in routine.
• Loss of Control: During a meltdown, the child often loses control and may not be able to respond to comfort or reasoning. They are in a heightened state of distress and cannot easily calm down.
• Longer Duration: Meltdowns can last longer than tantrums and may not stop even if the triggering situation is resolved. The child needs time to calm down and recover.

What are Some Strategies for Managing Tantrums and Meltdowns?

For both tantrums and meltdowns, the most effective strategy is to be proactive. This not only includes teaching our children about emotions and ways to help regulate their bodies, but also involves making sure their basic needs are met and they are set up for success on a daily basis. For example, if you know your child tends to get hungry at 2pm and you have to run an errand at that time, you can bring a snack along which may help prevent a possible tantrum or meltdown. Another proactive strategy is to establish a calm down space or “Coping Corner” in your home. This can be where your child can go when they are feeling dysregulated. When there are predictable and consistent routines, your child knows what to expect. This can help them feel more secure and better able to cope with big emotions.

Even with the best preventative strategies, children will still experience meltdowns and tantrums. The response to each may look a little different. In the case of tantrums, we encourage parents to “catch” the emotion early and respond with validation. Say a child is tantruming at the grocery store because she really wants you to buy her a chocolate treat. The sequence of events may look something like this:

1. “I understand you want the candy bar and are feeling frustrated that I won’t buy it. It’s tough to not get things we want”
2. “When I am feeling frustrated, I like to take 3 deep breaths. Maybe we can try together now”
3. Redirect without reasoning, using simple and concise language (more language can be further dysregulating)

Meltdowns often stem from physiological dysregulation, so intervening during the outburst is usually ineffective. Instead, maintain a calm presence and adjust the environment to minimize triggers, like dimming bright lights. Use nonverbal cues to co-regulate and work with your child on future coping strategies. After the meltdown, debrief to teach that all emotions are valid and practice healthy expression. This is also a chance for collaborative problem-solving to find better ways to handle triggers.

What Should Parents Try to Avoid Doing When Their Child is Having a Tantrum or Meltdown?

In addition to things that parents can do, there  are a few things parents generally want to avoid when faced with a tantrum or meltdown: 

1. Negotiating with your child. Children actually feel most secure when their caregivers stick to the plan, so it’s important as parents to allow for a feeling without “giving-in.” Parents can describe what is happening (“you feel sad”) without having to change the situation.  
2. Ignoring your child. In these moments children need your help in managing their big emotions, so staying involved during a tantrum or meltdown is key. 
3. Physical contact. Don’t ignore your child, but avoid physical contact unless necessary for safety or requested. Trying to impose physical contact on your child, even if it’s well-intentioned from you, may make the situation worse.
4. Approaching a tantrum in a punitive or dismissive way. This may make the child feel as if you don’t understand their experience, which can exacerbate their frustration. Often, seemingly harmless remarks like “Why are you sad? It’s just a little toy,” or “Your sister never gets angry when we do this,” can escalate the situation. We encourage families to avoid viewing tantrums and meltdowns as “bad” or a “failure” but rather as an developmentally-appropriate expression of emotions and a potential teaching moment for everyone. 
5. Trying to “turn the tantrum off.” Another common and understandable urge parents often have when their child is in the midst of a tantrum is trying to find a way to just make it stop. It can be tempting to give in and let the child have what they want. However, while this works in the short term, such actions may teach children that tantruming is an effective way to have their needs met, thus turning tantruming into a learned behavior. 

How to Keep Your Cool When Your Child is in the Throes of Tantrum or Meltdown

Both tantrums and meltdowns can be frustrating, and even dysregulating, for parents. Given how your own emotional experiences directly impact those of your child,  stay as calm as you can is key. View your child’s behavior empathetically as a developmentally appropriate loss of control, not as manipulation, which toddlers are unlikely to plan. Take some deep breaths. Find some humor in the tantrum, and seek support. 

View these moments as critical opportunities for teaching, and remember that your efforts at co-regulation are sending the very important message that all feelings are okay, and all toddlers will have outbursts. Remember, it is not our job as parents to eliminate tantrums or meltdowns, but rather to better tolerate them. Tantrums and meltdowns have some unique features, but they also have a good amount in common. Regardless of the type of outburst, our number one message to parents and caregivers is the same: focus on co-regulation and compassion, and remember this is just part of the dynamic time of toddlerhood. 

When Should You Seek Professional Help for Your Child’s Emotional and Behavioral Outbursts?

While tantrums and meltdowns are a normal part of child development, there may be times when seeking professional help is necessary. If your child’s tantrums or meltdowns are frequent, intense, or impacting their or the family’s daily life, it may be helpful to seek support from a mental health professional. At Upshur Bren Psychology Group, we have clinicians who are experienced in helping parents with various challenges along the parenthood journey. If you’d like some guidance on helping your child manage their emotions, click here to schedule a complimentary assessment consultation call to learn about support options that would be best for you.