Research shows that 67% of couples experience a significant drop in relationship satisfaction after the birth of a child. Despite this well-documented finding, parents are often not adequately prepared for the relational and emotional challenges that come with this major life transition. Little attention is given to teaching parents how to maintain their connection in marriage after kids. Including how to nurture their relationship as a couple when they are sleep-deprived, how to ask for support when they’re overwhelmed, or even how to have meaningful conversations about dividing responsibilities and navigating the mental load of parenting.
The good news is that these adjustments can be made at any stage of parenting—whether you’re expecting your first child or navigating life with your second, third, or fourth. Each new transition provides an opportunity to check in with your partner, reassess your dynamics, and create a plan for moving forward together. By being intentional about maintaining and strengthening your connection, you can build a partnership that not only survives but thrives amidst the challenges of parenting. This post will explore strategies to prevent disconnection, rebuild connection when needed, and keep your bond strong throughout the parenting journey.
How Understanding Interdependence Can Help Your Partnership and Your Parenting
The transition to parenthood comes with significant changes—sleepless nights, increased responsibilities, and shifting priorities. This can sometimes make couples feel more like co-managers of a household rather than romantic partners. When stress is high, particularly during the early years of parenting young children, differences in parenting styles and approaches can cause a lot of conflict. But understanding interdependence can be a powerful tool for maintaining connection with your partner by reframing those differences as strengths rather than conflicts.
Interdependence is the understanding that “I am me, you are you, and we are both okay.” This concept is especially important in parenthood, where the ways each partner approaches parenting can vary significantly. For example, one parent might have a particular way of rocking the baby to sleep or setting bedtime routines, while the other may approach it differently. These differences don’t necessarily mean one way is right or wrong. The key baseline is safety—ensuring that both approaches are safe and supportive for the child.
By embracing interdependence, partners can move away from the trap of expecting uniformity in how they parent or manage household duties. For example, one partner might find comfort in structure and schedules, while the other prefers a more flexible, intuitive approach. Instead of seeing these differences as obstacles, recognizing them as complementary strengths can help couples share the load more effectively. This mindset also encourages mutual respect, reducing the tendency to criticize or micromanage each other’s parenting methods. Instead of feeling like it’s “you versus me,” embracing interdependence allows couples to approach parenting as a team, standing shoulder to shoulder.
How Self-Awareness Can Help Relationships
Self-awareness is a foundational step in nurturing healthy relationships during parenthood. It enables individuals to pause and reflect, rather than reacting impulsively. When self-awareness is present, it’s easier to avoid pointing out everything a partner might be doing “wrong” or trying to control how tasks are completed. Instead, it shifts the focus inward, encouraging curiosity about one’s own emotions and reactions.
For instance, when a moment of frustration arises, self-awareness invites a pause to consider: “What am I feeling right now? Why is this coming up for me? What external or internal cue is triggering this response?” By slowing down and reflecting, it becomes possible to approach situations with greater understanding and empathy, creating space for connection and collaboration in parenting and partnership.
The Power of Pausing
Pausing is an underrated but transformative practice in relationships. In the busyness of life, we often rush from one task to the next without reflection. However, taking a moment to pause can help you integrate the week’s experiences and orient yourself to what comes next.
Micro-pauses throughout the day can make a significant impact. For instance, after finishing a phone call, take a moment to ground yourself before moving on to packing lunches or greeting your partner. These small pauses allow you to show up more intentionally and present in your interactions.
How to Function as a Parenting Team
To thrive as partners in parenthood, it’s essential to function as a team. This means implementing systems and creating intentional spaces to check in with each other. Many people mistakenly believe that relationships should run smoothly without effort, but in reality, maintaining a strong partnership requires active participation. Think of your relationship as the most important business team you’re running—it needs regular check-ins to stay on track.
A weekly meeting, often referred to as a “family executive meeting,” can be a powerful tool for ensuring alignment. Use this time to review the week ahead, discuss tasks that need to be done, and determine who will handle them. While some worry that meetings like these take the romance out of a relationship, the opposite is often true—they create a sense of teamwork and reduce friction.
To make these meetings effective, start with connection-building questions. For example:
- What’s something you appreciated about our relationship this week?
- What’s stressing you out right now, and how can I support you?
- What are you grateful for in our partnership?
These questions foster curiosity about each other and shift the focus from simply dividing tasks to strengthening your bond as a team.
Shaping Your Experiences with Intention
A helpful strategy for staying connected is to focus not just on what you want to do but on how you want to feel. For example, instead of creating a long to-do list for the weekend, ask yourselves:
- How do we want this weekend to feel?
- Do we want it to be exciting and full of energy or cozy and relaxed?
By starting with the desired feeling, you can reverse-engineer your plans to align with that intention. This approach helps ensure both partners feel seen and supported. Pausing on Friday to share your intentions for the weekend can prevent disappointment and create opportunities for co-creating experiences that meet both of your needs.
Rekindling Connection in the “Roommate Season”
Many couples go through a “roommate season” where they feel distant and disconnected. If this resonates, start by focusing on how you greet each other. Early in your relationship, you likely prioritized making your partner feel seen and valued. That same energy can reignite connection.
For example, when your partner speaks, choose to put down your phone, set aside your book, or pause what you’re doing. Show curiosity and engagement by responding with interest, such as, “Tell me more about that” or “What are you thinking about as you say that?”. Small, consistent moments of attentiveness can rebuild intimacy over time.
The Tree Analogy: Nurturing Yourself and Your Partnership
Think of your relationship as a tree with branches that grow together over time. Each day, you choose whether to strengthen those branches or let them drift apart. A strong relationship also requires healthy roots, which represent your individual autonomy and self-care. Without nurturing yourself as an individual, it becomes difficult to give to your partner or children.
Signaling for Support in the Thick of It: How to Ask For What You Need with Clarity
When it comes to asking for what you need, the key is to focus on where you have the most control: your own communication. You cannot dictate how your partner will respond or behave. But, you can choose how to express yourself in a way that promotes understanding and connection.
One effective way to approach this is by using a simple formula: fact + feeling. This framework helps keep communication clear and rooted in reality while acknowledging your emotional experience.
- Distinguishing Feelings from Thoughts
Feelings are often misunderstood or mislabeled, which can derail effective communication. For instance, saying, “I feel like you don’t care about me” or “I feel like you never talk to me” might sound like you’re sharing emotions, but these are actually thoughts or perceptions disguised as feelings.
To identify a true feeling, ask yourself if it can be summarized in one word. Words like scared, hurt, worried, or lonely are feelings. In contrast, if it sounds like a sentence or an assumption—such as “I feel like you don’t prioritize me”—it’s likely a thought or interpretation of the situation.
- Identifying Facts vs. Perceptions
Facts are another area where people often get tripped up. Facts are objective and observable, not assumptions or interpretations about your partner’s intentions. For example, saying, “You don’t care about me because you came home late” is a perception, not a fact.
A fact is something you and your partner could both agree on. Something as observable as if a fly on the wall were watching. For example:
- “You said you would be home at 7, but you got home at 10.”
- “You mentioned we would have time together tonight, but we didn’t.”
Pairing these facts with a feeling creates clarity and avoids blame:
- “You got home at 10 tonight when you said you’d be home at 7. I felt worried.”
- “You said we’d spend time together, but we didn’t. I felt hurt.”
This communication highlights facts and feelings without making accusations or assumptions about your partners intensions.
- Why This Approach Works
This method helps break the negative communication cycles that often leave couples feeling stuck. According to emotionally focused couples therapy, many conflicts arise from assumptions and perceptions that have been reinforced over time—stories we tell ourselves about our partner’s actions or our own worthiness in the relationship.
By grounding your words in facts and feelings, you open the door for your partner to respond rather than react defensively. Instead of focusing on who’s at fault, this approach invites collaboration and understanding.
The Importance of Repair in Relationships
Many couples struggle with the belief that conflict in a relationship is a sign of failure. They may think, “If we fight, it must mean we have a bad relationship,” or “If we argue, we must be doomed.” However, it’s important to reframe this narrative: disagreements and arguments are a natural part of any relationship. In fact, the absence of conflict can be more concerning. This may indicate that one partner is suppressing their feelings, neglecting their needs, or abandoning their true self.
The goal is not to avoid conflict altogether but to learn how to navigate hard moments and come back together afterward. Research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman highlights this concept through the study of “master couples”—couples who maintain satisfying and connected relationships over time. One key characteristic of these couples is their ability to repair quickly after conflict. Repair is an essential skill that helps couples recover from disagreements and strengthen their bond.
Repair after a conflict between a couple is essential for maintaining a strong, connected relationship. The first step in repair is recognizing and acknowledging the conflict rather than ignoring or minimizing it. This means taking responsibility for one’s own words and actions without placing blame. The next step is to regulate emotions. Taking a moment to calm down before engaging in a conversation can prevent further escalation. Then, the two of you can come together with curiosity and openness, expressing your feelings using “I” statements rather than accusations (e.g., “I felt hurt when…” instead of “You always…”). Listening actively and validating each other’s perspectives fosters mutual understanding. Finally, finding a resolution—whether through an apology, compromise, or simply reaffirming the commitment to work through challenges together—helps rebuild trust. Repair is not about proving who was right but about reinforcing the partnership and striving for healthy conflict resolution.
Parenthood is a season of life that challenges even the strongest relationships. However, with intentional effort, open communication, and mutual support, it is possible to stay connected as romantic partners. Remember to offer yourselves grace and compassion as you navigate this journey together. Strong partnerships not only benefit you and your partner but also create a nurturing and stable environment for your children.
You’re not just raising children—you’re modeling what love, respect, and connection look like. And that is a gift that lasts a lifetime.
Sometimes, reaching out for mental health support can be a helpful step in rebuilding a connection with your partner. At Upshur Bren Psychology Group, we have clinicians who specialize in working with parents. Our clinicians integrate various therapy strategies as part of an integrative and individualized treatment plan for you. If you’re interested in learning more about how we might be able to support you and your partner, click here to schedule a complimentary consultation call to learn about services that would be best for you.
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